J.B. Wolf

jb@jb-wolf.com

This section is for you if:

You are having trouble following which candidate is for or against specific things. (Even if you read it a few times, I doubt you caught every nuance.)
You think there is a Republican and / or Democrat bias in what I wrote.

I want you to take special note of a few things:

The politicians often subtly and occasionally blatantly contradict themselves as they try to pander to the audience. Ronald Carter subtly both supports and doesn't support communism. He also wants to save the environment, but doesn't mind burning extra fossil fuels as long as it is for needless job creation. Jimmy Reagan simultaneously wants to use and not use the military. He also wants to clear cut forest to save them. It's not until you see some of the items listed side by side that some of it becomes apparent... hence the reason why I created this chart.
The politicians rarely engage each other in true debate. They argue about different things even when they're arguing about the same things. In other words, they're blowing smoke. Some examples:

Both candidates believe in using both American workers and foreign workers. Ronald wants Mexican toilet paper makers and American drivers. Jimmy wants "American made" toilet paper using foreign workers. If they have that common ground, why have they become so polarized on the other stuff?
Both candidates like and dislike foreigners. Ronald complains about foreigners left and right, but he's all about sending jobs over the border to other countries. Jimmy on the other hand doesn't mind bringing foreigners into America and having them work here... only to bomb the other countries sometime later.
Are the candidates for or against deregulation? Ronald wants to increase regulation but decrease red tape. Jimmy believes in deregulation... but only after his term is over. Do either of their positions makes sense?

Even Sherman and the Mexican can't agree on what they're arguing about. "You, gringo, are the one who sneaks off to Mexico to consort with shady 3-ply dealers." I mean, whose side is the Mexican on anyway? And doesn't Sherman (who is racist to the bone) realize his job depends upon trade with foreigners? Apparently, the politicians aren't the only ones who need help.
Sadly, doesn't this all sound familiar?

Policies	Ronald Carter	Jimmy Reagan	Mr. Zero
Toilet Paper Policies	Predominantly for 3-ply Acknowledges 4-ply should be used for American foreign policy Believes America has the best toilet paper in the world. Although we don't know where the toilet paper is currently made, keep in mind this candidate advocates making it in Mexico.	Believes 4-ply will bring prosperity back to America	Wants Americans to choose
Unions	Supports the TPSA (Toilet Paper Shipping Association)	Supports the UTPW (Union of Toilet Paper Workers)	Unknown
Financial Policies	For raising taxes; Against lowering taxes Supports Americans saving money by buying cheaper 3-ply Is for redistributing money to the 1% via increasing money supply Believes the decline of dollar can be stopped by "willing it to be better" even if Congress doesn't do anything about it Promises to make the U.S. debt go away, but never states how Promises to make personal debt go away, but never states how Is for spending millions then trillions of dollars on training nurses to wipe American butts; exact amount unknown Prefers to use a definition of unemployment that says Americans are in a recession	For raising taxes; Against lowering taxes Supports Americans earning money by making 4-ply in the United States... even if foreign workers are sometimes (always?) involved. Believes in printing more money like Europe, but wants to start distribution with the 1% Is for spending billions then probably quadrillions of dollars on training nurses to wipe American butts; exact amount unknown Helped change the definition of unemployment so that America is not officially in a recession. Believes he can make everyone rich and can make poverty "magically" go away Believes everyone will be eating from gold bowls driving large vehicles.	Thinks spending money on training nurses to wipe butts is ridiculous All other ideas are unknown
Employment and Job Creation Policies	For having toilet paper made in Mexico then shipped to America using American drivers For shipping toilet paper from one end of the country to the other needlessly for job creation Supports manufacturing every day items in a communist country (China) Supports long working hours that lead to depression and suicide No explicit comment on whether making toilet paper in America should happen in addition to making it in Mexico	Believes in making toilet paper in America Believes there is a shortage of Americans who are willing to work for lower wages and make 4-ply so he advocates bringing in foreigners Believes in retraining people who are out of a job to make 4-ply toilet paper Believes in traveling all over the world studying other cultures "in great depth" so that jobs will come to America Is for indentured servitude to trans-national companies Believes the transportation industry would be unaffected by making 4-ply toilet paper because the shipping companies need to ship Mexican people to their jobs in America Is proud to be an American begging for a job	Unknown
Government Regulation and Red Tape	For increasing government regulation Against red tape Supports government corruption	Believes in decreasing government regulation... after his term is over	Unknown
Foreigners	Complains that Americans have to endure foreigners Doesn't like foreigners coming in and taking American (minimum wage) jobs within the U.S. Is for toilet paper being made in Mexico and then being shipped into the U.S. (using American drivers) Is against giving work visas to "too many" foreigners Is against "illegal immigrants", but was ready to give a speech supporting illegal immigrants.	Believes there is a shortage of Americans who are willing to work for lower wages making 4-ply toilet paper so he advocates bringing in foreigners Believes in Mexicans supporting the president with votes Makes an empty promise to find a loop hole to allow the Mexican an extra vote Supports illegal immigrants Believes foreign workers will revitalize the American economy	Unknown
Foreign Policy and Military Policy Note: Isn't it interesting that these two items cannot be broken into separate sections?	Believes in using military force in the middle east Believes in taking oil from other countries for American purposes Wants to bring democracy to the Chinese... even though he supports the communist regime (See Employment and Job Creation Policies) Wants to "come down hard" on Europe Wants to expand American influence around the world Wants to bring peace and prosperity to third world nations (like Greece, Spain, and Germany) Is ok with the military jumping from one confrontation to the next Is ok with China producing military vehicles Is ok with supplying Chinese spies with military secrets	Does not believe in rolling through the streets of other countries with a military but prefers to believe in the empty promises of dictators Believes in using air strikes and missiles, but not ground troops Believes it is ok for Israel to bomb Iran Is ok with the military jumping from one confrontation to the next Is ok with China producing military vehicles Is ok with supplying Chinese spies with military secrets	Unknown
Handling Dissidents	Supports underhanded tactics to silence them	Supports drone bombing Americans Supports street cameras (like the Brits)	Is taken down during the debates because he is a dissident
Homelessness and Hunger	Believes in "protecting the homeless"... by preventing the 1% from sleeping under the same bridge as the homeless. Believes in making sure there is lots of space on the street to sleep Supports the Box and Bridge Association Believes he can cure hunger in America by letting everyone eat for free at McDonald's and Burger King	Believes he can make hunger and homelessness "magically" go away	Unknown
Health Care	Believes he can solve obesity problem for "forcing" the pharmaceutical companies to come up with diet pill Acknowledges Americans can become sick and may become homeless Believes Americans have the best health care system in the world	Believes melamine and lead don't hurt anyone.	Unknown
Environmental Policies	Wants to save trees by making 3-ply toilet tissue (instead of 4-ply) Doesn't mind truck drivers driving across international borders to transport toilet tissue Is in favor of truck drivers needlessly going between California and Florida so that people don't lose their jobs	Wants to save the forests... by clear cutting them Is for 4-ply toilet tissue which would consume more trees Purposely ambiguous, but implies he is against the shipping industry because of burning fossil fuels. He never explicitly states any stance, though.	Unknown
Position on Same Sex Marriage	Probably against	Probably for	Unknown
Positions on Religious Topics	Prays to Christian God Thanks Muslim extremists Believes it is ok to outlaw certain religions	Wants to bless God, but only if the receiving audience member is Christian	Unknown
Equal Opportunity	Will enforce equal opportunity violations to increase salary of employees	Unknown	Unknown
Miscellaneous	Believes America is the best country in the world Believes America produces the most hot air in the world Believes that laws don't apply to him (like bribery)	Believes in giving American "free choices", but only if they are the two choices government gave them Doesn't know about an education bubble Supports high prices on movies and media without the ability to rip Believes America is the greatest country in the world. He also happens to believe Europe is a country and compares America against it.	None