J.B. Wolf


This section is for you if:

I want you to take special note of a few things:

Policies Ronald Carter Jimmy Reagan Mr. Zero
Toilet Paper Policies
  • Predominantly for 3-ply
  • Acknowledges 4-ply should be used for American foreign policy
  • Believes America has the best toilet paper in the world. Although we don't know where the toilet paper is currently made, keep in mind this candidate advocates making it in Mexico.
  • Believes 4-ply will bring prosperity back to America
  • Wants Americans to choose
  • Supports the TPSA (Toilet Paper Shipping Association)
  • Supports the UTPW (Union of Toilet Paper Workers)
  • Unknown
Financial Policies
  • For raising taxes; Against lowering taxes
  • Supports Americans saving money by buying cheaper 3-ply
  • Is for redistributing money to the 1% via increasing money supply
  • Believes the decline of dollar can be stopped by "willing it to be better" even if Congress doesn't do anything about it
  • Promises to make the U.S. debt go away, but never states how
  • Promises to make personal debt go away, but never states how
  • Is for spending millions then trillions of dollars on training nurses to wipe American butts; exact amount unknown
  • Prefers to use a definition of unemployment that says Americans are in a recession
  • For raising taxes; Against lowering taxes
  • Supports Americans earning money by making 4-ply in the United States... even if foreign workers are sometimes (always?) involved.
  • Believes in printing more money like Europe, but wants to start distribution with the 1%
  • Is for spending billions then probably quadrillions of dollars on training nurses to wipe American butts; exact amount unknown
  • Helped change the definition of unemployment so that America is not officially in a recession.
  • Believes he can make everyone rich and can make poverty "magically" go away
  • Believes everyone will be eating from gold bowls driving large vehicles.
  • Thinks spending money on training nurses to wipe butts is ridiculous
  • All other ideas are unknown
Employment and Job Creation Policies
  • For having toilet paper made in Mexico then shipped to America using American drivers
  • For shipping toilet paper from one end of the country to the other needlessly for job creation
  • Supports manufacturing every day items in a communist country (China)
  • Supports long working hours that lead to depression and suicide
  • No explicit comment on whether making toilet paper in America should happen in addition to making it in Mexico
  • Believes in making toilet paper in America
  • Believes there is a shortage of Americans who are willing to work for lower wages and make 4-ply so he advocates bringing in foreigners
  • Believes in retraining people who are out of a job to make 4-ply toilet paper
  • Believes in traveling all over the world studying other cultures "in great depth" so that jobs will come to America
  • Is for indentured servitude to trans-national companies
  • Believes the transportation industry would be unaffected by making 4-ply toilet paper because the shipping companies need to ship Mexican people to their jobs in America
  • Is proud to be an American begging for a job
  • Unknown
Government Regulation and Red Tape
  • For increasing government regulation
  • Against red tape
  • Supports government corruption
  • Believes in decreasing government regulation... after his term is over
  • Unknown
  • Complains that Americans have to endure foreigners
  • Doesn't like foreigners coming in and taking American (minimum wage) jobs within the U.S.
  • Is for toilet paper being made in Mexico and then being shipped into the U.S. (using American drivers)
  • Is against giving work visas to "too many" foreigners
  • Is against "illegal immigrants", but was ready to give a speech supporting illegal immigrants.
  • Believes there is a shortage of Americans who are willing to work for lower wages making 4-ply toilet paper so he advocates bringing in foreigners
  • Believes in Mexicans supporting the president with votes
  • Makes an empty promise to find a loop hole to allow the Mexican an extra vote
  • Supports illegal immigrants
  • Believes foreign workers will revitalize the American economy
  • Unknown
Foreign Policy and Military Policy
Note: Isn't it interesting that these two items cannot be broken into separate sections?
  • Believes in using military force in the middle east
  • Believes in taking oil from other countries for American purposes
  • Wants to bring democracy to the Chinese... even though he supports the communist regime (See Employment and Job Creation Policies)
  • Wants to "come down hard" on Europe
  • Wants to expand American influence around the world
  • Wants to bring peace and prosperity to third world nations (like Greece, Spain, and Germany)
  • Is ok with the military jumping from one confrontation to the next
  • Is ok with China producing military vehicles
  • Is ok with supplying Chinese spies with military secrets
  • Does not believe in rolling through the streets of other countries with a military but prefers to believe in the empty promises of dictators
  • Believes in using air strikes and missiles, but not ground troops
  • Believes it is ok for Israel to bomb Iran
  • Is ok with the military jumping from one confrontation to the next
  • Is ok with China producing military vehicles
  • Is ok with supplying Chinese spies with military secrets
  • Unknown
Handling Dissidents
  • Supports underhanded tactics to silence them
  • Supports drone bombing Americans
  • Supports street cameras (like the Brits)
  • Is taken down during the debates because he is a dissident
Homelessness and Hunger
  • Believes in "protecting the homeless"... by preventing the 1% from sleeping under the same bridge as the homeless.
  • Believes in making sure there is lots of space on the street to sleep
  • Supports the Box and Bridge Association
  • Believes he can cure hunger in America by letting everyone eat for free at McDonald's and Burger King
  • Believes he can make hunger and homelessness "magically" go away
  • Unknown
Health Care
  • Believes he can solve obesity problem for "forcing" the pharmaceutical companies to come up with diet pill
  • Acknowledges Americans can become sick and may become homeless
  • Believes Americans have the best health care system in the world
  • Believes melamine and lead don't hurt anyone.
  • Unknown
Environmental Policies
  • Wants to save trees by making 3-ply toilet tissue (instead of 4-ply)
  • Doesn't mind truck drivers driving across international borders to transport toilet tissue
  • Is in favor of truck drivers needlessly going between California and Florida so that people don't lose their jobs
  • Wants to save the forests... by clear cutting them
  • Is for 4-ply toilet tissue which would consume more trees
  • Purposely ambiguous, but implies he is against the shipping industry because of burning fossil fuels. He never explicitly states any stance, though.
  • Unknown
Position on Same Sex Marriage
  • Probably against
  • Probably for
  • Unknown
Positions on Religious Topics
  • Prays to Christian God
  • Thanks Muslim extremists
  • Believes it is ok to outlaw certain religions
  • Wants to bless God, but only if the receiving audience member is Christian
  • Unknown
Equal Opportunity
  • Will enforce equal opportunity violations to increase salary of employees
  • Unknown
  • Unknown
  • Believes America is the best country in the world
  • Believes America produces the most hot air in the world
  • Believes that laws don't apply to him (like bribery)
  • Believes in giving American "free choices", but only if they are the two choices government gave them
  • Doesn't know about an education bubble
  • Supports high prices on movies and media without the ability to rip
  • Believes America is the greatest country in the world. He also happens to believe Europe is a country and compares America against it.
  • None